Yesterday was my birthday and I’ve spent some time looking back at how my life has been so far. When I was younger (around 20) the thought of getting older was absolutely horrifying. That has changed a lot as I’m now in my 30’s and really can’t see anything negative with it.
Most of my 20’s consisted of a long and very hard fight against depression. It had me miss out on a lot of the things that a “normal” 20-something year old “sould” be doing, and that fact really didn’t help me getting out of the depression. It more so made me feel like “What’s the point?! If I ever get out of this I’ve already missed out on so much, I won’t even be able to live like a normal person..” and there it was again – the total darkness around and inside me. Luckily that long hard fight payed off and in my mid/late 20’s I finally got out of the worst and darkest places that was a part of my depression and I actually started to live again. At first just a little bit, but that feeling of actually being alive quickly grew stronger and I started to see light again. Lots of light, in places I hadn’t seen it for years and years – the sunlight reflecting in the ocean, the smile of a stranger passing by on the street, the unconditional love from my family and friends, the feeling of waking up in the morning and simply wanting to do so.. I even saw a light glowing in my own eyes as I watched myself in the mirror! The list kept growing and I started seeing value in myself, I was worth something and I realized that I had strengths that I had totally forgotten about or maybe earned through the hard fight, the most important thing was that I was able to LIVE!
Things have been moving forward since then, I have been moving forward – I traveled and saw some amazing places, I met my love, I stopped drinking alcohol (not because I had to, but because I wanted to), I started running, I moved from a place where my destructiveness was painted on the walls. I gained confidence, a self-love and a brighter outlook on life. And here I am today, living with my husband in Hawaii. I hear the ocean from the house, I get to run in beautiful peaceful surroundings, I wake up at dawn almost every day with a smile on face and a feeling of joy.
I might have missed out on some of those normal things that a young adult should be doing – I never went to college, I don’t have a drivers licence and I spent many years isolated, not just in my apartment but trapped in a darkness I couldn’t get out of. But I would never go back and change anything because I learned to love life in a way I hadn’t been able to before, I learned a lot about myself – my weaknesses and my strengths, I learned that life is a challenge and in my mind it is supposed to be. As I turned 30 last year I realized I am actually happy to get “older” – every year that passes I learn something new. My person is growing and as it does I have more to share. More love for life itself and for others.
It’s just a number. “31 years old” sounds good to me! No matter what age I am, I am what I am and I have worked hard to be able to be happy with what I am.Who I am. I will never let a number define who I am, but I’ll let the years pass and I will continue to take the best, and the worst, of them with me and learn from it.
Note: When I first started writing this post I had planned on a easy breezy year recap with a list of what happened this year. My heart totally took over and this was what came out. Obviously this is a heavy post, but when I first joined the by Running with Ollie created challenge “I’m Afraid to Post This Blog” in January I decided to share with you who I am – I’m not just those smiley post-run photos or instagram pics of my legs before/after a run etc. This is my life, and it might not have been normal, and might not be normal today (what is really normal?). This is a part of me and I choose to share it because life sometimes is a very hard challenge. It might happen for you, me or someone else, but it doesn’t mean that life is over. Everything is a start of something, we just need to hang in there, accept the challenge and move forward. Always move forward! And age? Come on, it’s just a number! There is nothing you “should” or “have to” do at a certain age, this is your life and you choose your path. I know I’m proud to be walking/running on mine.